I set my friend Rebecca up on a blind date with my friend, Sam. Cute guy. Nice guy. Not a red-hot, smokin’ babe, but a good guy. A guy you wouldn’t mind hanging onto for a little while. A long-term relationship to Rebecca is four months, and she’s had three of them in her life. She’s thirty-two. Rebecca’s nice-looking. She’s a lawyer who went into the stock market, got out good, and is set for life. Then she decided to learn to play pool and became a world class pool shark. To call her an overachiever is simplifying the point. She moved to LA to find the perfect man, settle down, have kids and live happily day by day. She told me that East Coast men didn’t ‘get’ her. Like most people, she wants a great love in her life.

So I set her up on this blind date with my very sweet, successful, ‘nice guy’, buddy Sam. It was a double date. We went bowling. Rebecca and Sam have one lane, Hub-man and I have the next one. I am bowling with my lover and I am there to have fun and get sexy with him. Hub-man and I are rolling balls, striking and guttering and, generally, just getting turned on by each other. I roll a strike, he rolls a strike, I knock down eight pins and then a gutter, he knocks down nine and a spare.

When we’re almost done with our game, I look across the lane at Rebecca and Sam. He’s sitting at the score table, smiling. She’s standing there, prepping to roll a ball, and I can see yet another strike written all over her face. He’s admiring her form. She’s driven to conquer. I look up at the scoreboard. She’s got 125, he’s at about 110. He checks her butt out. She rolls. It’s a strike. She raises a fist up to the ceiling like a Masai Warrior. He tries to catch her eye for a congratulatory smile but she's already set on the next set of 10 pins. He stiffens a bit around the shoulders, looks up at the score board, and nods his head a little. I pull her away from the lane, look her in the eye and ask, “You like him?” “Yeah, he’s cute,” she says with a smile, “I really like him!” I get real somber. “Then it’s time to roll a gutter ball.” Her face is blank. “What?” “Roll a gutter ball, Rebecca.” “Are you serious?” I gaze steadily into her eyes, “Never been more.” “I don’t get it,” she says. “Why would I do that?” “Well, do you want to totally emasculate the guy or do you want to titillate him, flirt with him?” I ask. Rebecca smiles, shrugs off my request and rolls yet another strike, and wip-dee-shit wins the game by a long shot.

Therein lies everything I’ve ever observed about women and men and the all-around game of missing each other over and over again. You are on a date with a man you like. You think he’s hot. You go bowling with him. You want to ‘hook up’ so to speak. So you kick his ass because you are such a great bowler. For some reason, this means more to you then finding a true love, warm arms and a symbiotic connection. Why the hell do women do this? I would, by the way, say the same thing to a guy friend in the same situation. I would tell him to roll a gutter ball, wake up and see that he’s alienating this woman that he wants to impress. I’m not saying lose the game but make it close, for God’s sake. Tease him with the game, flirt with him through the game, make the game about connecting with him, not winning and losing. There are tangible, physical gifts that we give people we care about in our lives: a watch, a stuffed animal, a nice shirt. There are also gifts that we can give people that are not tangible, but usually more important and more meaningful: giving a lapdance, a compliment, a hug or, in Rebecca’s case, rolling a gutter ball.

I’m not endorsing that anyone should make any less of themselves, but I did want Rebecca to see that the guy she was with wanted to make a connection to her but she was so busy playing a hard game that she wasn’t looking at the signs. She didn’t see him looking at her, checking her out. Instead, she was overwhelmed by her mission to win. Look, there are times to kick some guy’s butt bowling and there are times to use a game as flirting or foreplay. Notice the difference. Ask yourself what you want more, the victory or the flirt? Sometimes you can have both - they don’t have to be mutually exclusive - bowl a good game but at least let him see some humanity through the fortress of your athletic skills. "Rolling a gutterball' is a metaphor for living life moment-to-moment and knowing which moments to focus on. It's a metaphor that screams life is this wonderful thing that takes place while you're focused so single-mindedly on something in the future. "Rolling a gutterball" is a statement of "Hey, you're more important in this moment than everything else." If you want to take it even further, are you here in this life to win at all costs or are you there to connect to another human being while having a great time? In that game, there are no losers.

I love men. They inspire us, confound us, irritate us, enrage us, tickle us, frustrate us, elate us, send us to the f#$%@& moon and back. I have given up believing I will ever truly understand them. That's okay. I just need to know how to love one. I worship their masculinity. I could snuggle my nose into a man’s chest and breathe in his ‘scent’ for days. I take it as part of my job in life to make my man feel powerful, virile, utterly male and adored. He makes it his journey in life to make me feel feminine, adored -- no, no, no more like worshiped, powerful and divine.

Two weeks after the bowling date, I see Rebecca and she asks about Sam. She wants to know if he has said anything about her? Yeah, actually, he did. He said he liked her but…(I bet it’s something many a man has said about her)…she was a little “hard.” “Yeah, she’s cute but didn’t seem interested.” “Yeah, I like her but she’s a little, boring.” Even, “Yeah, she’s hot but a little tough - not someone I would want to cuddle up with in a storm”. I soften his actual comment a little with, “Yeah, he liked you but he’s not sure you’re a match.”

She smiles tightly, wants to move on from the conversation but forces herself to ask, “What was that thing you said about rolling a gutter ball?”

Butt Circles
How about giving your lower back and your partner a little something special to think about? The next time you and your lover are relaxing at home on the sofa, give the both of you a sensual little gift: do some mini-butt circles as you’re standing up and he’s still seated. Or, after a fun night out on the town, as you get out of the car, stretch and do a few full-blown butt circles so both of you can partake in the beauty and celebration of your posterior assets. Engage your abs, arch your lower back, scoop your belly and just revel in the moment. If there is no partner in your life, simply make the most of your night by yourself – break up the DVD you’re watching, stand up and enjoy the stretch throughout your pelvis and lower back. Take the time to breathe and relish the pure power of you!

Booty Parlor
We found this wonderful website called Bootyparlor.com. My favorite item is the “I’m So Sexy Lip Gloss” – which is absolutely perfect for ‘S’ girls! It comes in this sexy little box that has little phrases like “I’m so kissable”, “I’m so irresistible,” and “I’m so gorgeous,” which we especially love because those are definitely statements we should repeat to ourselves constantly! After application, the gloss makes your lips tingle… who knows what a coat of this luscious lip stuff could lead to! It comes in yummy flavors like “Cinnamon Shine” and “Peppermint Pink”. Make wearing it an experiment… actually repeat the mantras on the box to yourself over and over as you apply it – right before a date or going to a club or just going out in public. If you’re feeling really daring, apply it right before you’re expecting a kiss... you’ll give your guy a tingly little surprise!

Another fun product to try is “Dust Up Kissable Body Shimmer,” this super-fine powder that makes your curves sparkle when you apply it. Best of all, it has a yummy, subtle flavor that will drive your lover crazy! It comes in “Don’t Call Me Honey,” which has a golden hue and honey flavor, “Punch Drunk Pink,” which tastes like cotton candy, and “Cruisin’ for a bronzin’”, which gives you a sexy bronze glow and tastes like cinnamon sugar. Such a treat for your lover when they go to kiss your neck, your arm or wherever you’re wearing it.

Trying fun products like these is a fabulous way to stir things up every once in a while. It’s always good to break up the routine and be creative, so make sure to always keep an eye out for fun, innovative ideas that will keep your love life sizzling and spicy!

Congratulations to our Summer giveaway winner, Jenny A. Tran of West Hollywood! Here’s what Jenny has to say about her win:

Oh my God!!!! My sister saw
S Factor on Oprah and dragged me to the Intro class. I wasn't even particularly enthused about it, but figured it was a great bonding experience to share with my sister, Lily. Lo and behold, I was OBVIOUSLY and INSTANTLY hooked! Ali Baker, specifically, was the one who blew me away in the demo and, after speaking with her, I really realized the classes were for the everyday girl like me! I immediately signed up and am currently in Level 4 with Amy Danielson.

Before taking class at Sheila Kelley's S Factor, I hadn't worn a short skirt in almost 2 years. (This, coming from a girl who was born and raised on a BEACH.) I think it was like the second class in Level 1 that I finally donned a skirt and now you can often find me ‘S’-ing out in one (with side-tie shorts underneath)!

I currently live in West Hollywood and have shared and blabbed about the S Factor like it’s a new religion. I even got my boss signed up!!! (She takes classes in Encino with Sujata Ray). I've already signed up for Level 5 and can't imagine my weeks without it! Recently, I was interviewing new potential roommates to move into my apartment and I mentioned to EVERY girl that there would be a (removable) pole in the living room. LOL... S Factor is actually a factor in my potential roommates! HA! I'm so excited that I will FINALLY have a pole. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU a million times!

Can't wait to sport all my new bruises with pride. ;)

Jenny A. Tran

Dear Sheila,

I am a fellow Libra and Pennsylvania girl, and currently a Level 4 in San Francisco. I joined the ‘S’, finally, after circling it for years (I was scared away from the first workshop at Red Dot after being told I should bring my 6" heels and g-string, neither of which I owned or knew where to find!). But I knew I wanted to become the woman for whom this movement was not taboo and I finally took the leap and did the December 9th Intro class in San Francisco last winter. The ‘S’ has been a daily part of my life ever since.

Like for so many other women, this movement has been transfiguring. I move more openly than I used to, fluidly and without apology, no longer self-conscious about the position my body occupies in space. Because of the ‘S’, I understand for the very first time what it is to feel like a *woman* and to be *female* in this body which, for me, goes far beyond knowing what it was to be *human*. This kind of knowing has always been an abstract wish; the S Factor was the path to its fulfillment and to metamorphosis. Breaking into my own curves and organic eroticism has also enabled me to break through other internalized taboos and to inhabit parts of myself long-dodged, to become Poet and Photographer--a creative person full of earnestness, intensity, openness and spirit, in a culture that prefers otherwise. This movement that you created and share has been radically healing. I thank you so much for that.

As for its greater significance, each time I hear you speak (after the December 9th Intro class, during the recent San Fran Open House, and in interviews), I become choked with emotion, my body overwhelmed with gut knowledge of the power and importance of your vision's implications - not only for women but for the planet at large. Your work, for me, represents that highest manifestation of female Libran life purpose - a bringing into balance the self by bringing forth the long-banished feminine divine, and a bringing balance to the earth by the same. Aesthetics, justice, balance, healing - it's all there in the ‘S’ and this public realization of your own power to heal and transform inspires me to step into my own.

Thank you again, Sheila. I think what you are doing is totally humbling and inspiring.

Sincerely,
Kristin Herbster

P.S. I have been engaged in a black-and-white, psychological, photographic documentary project on Motherhood for the past two years, photographing and interviewing women to get at Motherhood beyond the cliche. I love what you have shared in the S Factor newsletter about your experiences. My interviews have revealed much the same. It is a long time to bring such truth to light. I am still photographing and interviewing for this project and hope to publish it as a book in 2-4 years.

Ro Cepeda
S Factor Instructor

S Factor NY instructor Ro Cepeda is the epitome of all that is ‘S’. Ro has an incredibly calming influence… she seems like she’d be zen in the middle of any situation. She has an intense yet tranquil energy that somehow translates into a really smooth, luscious, feline movement – she is absolutely mesmerizing when she dances. You will absorb her energy in class and walk out with some wicked, self-possessed energy, mixed with serenity - a perfect dichotomy.

Born and raised in Jamaica, Ro moved to Brooklyn at age 16. Though she now lives in Ossining, Westchester, her heart belongs to Manhattan, the location of Sheila Kelley’s S Factor NY. She has a beautiful, 11-year-old son, whom she says has taught her more about life than anybody else.

Ro attended Hunter College for her undergraduate work in Psychology, and went to Cornell University, where she received an M.S. in Industrial and Labor Relations. During her childhood, Ro took dance at a cultural arts center, where she studied a mixture of jazz, African and modern dance.

Until age 21, Ro was approximately 40 pounds overweight. At that time, she got involved with Weight Watchers, which helped her to lose the excess weight. Once she overcame her self-consciousness from being overweight, she studied Jazz at New Dance Group with Frank Pietri and performed with the Broadway Express Dance Company for more than two years. In addition, she is a certified personal trainer and studied nutritional counseling so that she could help people overcome food addictions and binge eating issues, which became her specialty area and the springboard for the creation of her own business, Conscious Eating & Fitness Coaching.

For nearly eight years, Ro worked at corporations in organizational development. Ro’s diverse professional career also includes 14 years of acting in commercials, theater and independent films.

Ro discovered Sheila Kelley’s S Factor as a result of her search for a place where she could feel at home with her sexuality. “Prior to S Factor, my sexuality frightened me,” she says. “It is such a huge part of who I am – I was afraid of that type of energy and would judge it. S Factor helped me find a place where it was okay to have this enormous sexual energy.” She states that learning S Factor movement helped her to accept this amazing aspect of herself and not be embarrassed by it. “I love to see the beauty of my Erotic Creature, which is what I would have run from before,” she says. “Plus, I get to dance for a living and that means everything to me! Dance is life.”

As an Instructor, Ro loves to help other women learn to accept themselves and feel at home in their bodies, no matter what size or shape. She gets the biggest thrill from watching women grow comfortable in their curves, with other women cheering along.