Women Hating Women:
A Recipe for Extinction
Girls! Girls! Girls! We have got to stop turning the emotional knives on each other. We have got to stop the verbal assaults on other women. Stop the judgments, the petty name-calling. Stop the insanity! A woman hating on another woman is what I call “the unconscious woman’s desperate assault.” This "unconscious" woman seems to think that another woman has no other means to get ahead and thrive in this world than to grab male attention, and thus begins to tear that woman apart. Are you kidding me? Does she realize how this focus totally belittles the glorious power of the feminine -- we who give life and are closer to God than any other; we who nurture and cure and help all others thrive and survive?
Does she not realize that this action of hers, this verbal assassination is sororal cannibalism? And that if we all continue to verbally annihilate each other, the female sex will become emotionally extinct? Seriously!
Before I vent any further, let me explain what I’m venting about. I have this adorable 26-year-old cousin named Dani, who is more full of life than anybody I have ever met before. She’s devilish and wicked smart and gorgeous because she doesn’t seem to care about how she looks.
Dani and Me
Really, it’s all in how she feels. She laughs big. She guffaws hard. Sometimes she saunters into a room as if she were a 19th-century grand dame, requisite wrist dramatically draped over her forehead in the throes of some great drama; at other times she slinks in like a cat burglar all stealth and shifty-eyed pantomime, depending on what movie she’s got going on in her head. She's hilarious!
If so inclined, Dani will throw a foreign accent into her dialect just for the drama of it. This girl has passion. She has Latin flare. Her mom is Brazilian, and her dad’s a good old Irishman. Suffice it to say that she’s a fiery All-American Latina Lass!
Dani came to Hollywood, the liberal land of America, to work as an intern on a renowned television show run by a notoriously hip team who loudly believes in “live and let live.” Her job consisted of running errands from the production office to the set and back. She would get her boss whatever she needed whenever she needed it. She would drive Hollywood bigwigs in a little white cart around the lot. She was a gopher. And she really grooved on it. So you can imagine my shock when she came over for dinner recently and sat quietly in the corner seat all through the meal. Her face was tense and dark, and her body was a bit hunched over onto itself. I asked her if she was sick. She claimed she felt fine. Yet she picked at her food. This is a girl who has usually eaten ravenously and passionately every time I’ve seen her throughout her sweet life. Something was up. I poured her a glass of wine, and we sat in the living room together as the kids and the man of my hub slowly drifted out to the backyard after dinner.
I said, “What’s up, Little Sissy?”
She looked at me through her great hurt and said, “If I tell you, do you promise not to make a big deal of it?”
I, of course, said, “Yes, I promise I won’t.”
Dani proceeded to tell me that she had received an email from her boss, Margaret, telling her that she had to stop hanging out on the set. Apparently, Margaret had heard one too many times that Dani was flirting with all the men on set, most of whom were old enough to be her father! Margaret told her that she was getting a “reputation as a tramp." Dani was devastated beyond repair. She broke. Her spirit went quiet. Her light went dull. And her usually gay, laughing self just shut down.
A tramp? Really? All a woman has to do is radiate her light brightly and she’s a tramp? Like tramp, as in another word for whore? Like another word for prostitute? Like what the fuck -- and this coming at her from one of our own, another woman? Margaret had succeeded in dampening the collective vibrant flame of the feminine in Dani. Here she was sitting in front of me, but I couldn’t even get a "jolly good day” out of her. Dani, a young woman I am proud to stand next to in the sisterhood, and embrace as one of my own. Dani, who at 26 could teach many a woman -- especially Margaret -- a thing or two about hot yet wholesome femininity.
The message here is that a young woman being her alive and radiant self is flirting with and desirous of sex from men. Let me try to put it another way. Let me even take Dani out of it for a second. If I am laughing and giggling and smiling and, well, magnetically alive in my body and spirit and there is a man anywhere around me, that means I want to have him sexually? Oh wait! Or that I have already had him sexually? Therefore the “tramp” comment? Does anybody else see the insanity here? No. Here’s what really happened. Dani radiated. Dani is lit from within in only the way that an S woman can be, and she attracted the attention of all the male creatures within ten miles of her. Men are wired that way. Trust me. Just give it a try. Radiate in front of some male creatures and see what happens. They come like moths to a flame. They crave the light, the warmth, the life force, and they want to be around it.
And Margaret, who has successfully doused her flame so she can “be taken seriously” by the perceived status quo, is resentful that she is no longer attracting the men and is angry that another woman who is not buying into the mini-manning up of women -- most surely of herself -- is not. Now add insult to injury in her mind because Dani is 20 years younger, and you have an all-out Woman War on your hands. But the only ones fighting are the women who’ve shut themselves down. And they’re fighting mean. And they’re fighting hard.
I bolded the "in her mind" thought because I believe men don't necessarily notice the age of a woman as much as they notice her radiance. Age is a concept that we allow to defeat us, to depress us. We allow age to distance us from our radiance, our beauty, our life force. The fact of the matter is that embracing the fire of our feminine energy, no matter our age, creates an irresistible, combustible combination of "gotta get me some of thatness." Please just ask Ms. Helen Mirren, Sophia Loren, and my own mother for God's sake!
That a woman perpetrated this assault on Dani is indicative of the pervasiveness of the male eye in this culture. When people say to me, “Well, it was a woman who went after her,” or, my favorite yet, “women hate women,” I don’t know what comes over me. I just want to throttle the neck of whomever is speaking. Women who have shut themselves down to fit in, women who have bought into the status quo, are threatened by women who are lighting themselves on fire again. And the sad thing is that these shutdown women don’t even realize that they too can turn their flame back on. They don’t yet realize that their greatest allies are all of us people with vaginas!
Let’s see, what do we do with these women? How do we educate? How do we bring them forward into the next wave of the rising of the feminine? How do we bring them into their flaming fire of their feminine genius? This is our job, this is our challenge. Hmmm, thinking, thinking, thinking... How about this...the next time you come face-to-face with one, and you will know her when you see her, you will know her when you hear her, try to wake her up! Tell her some truths. Tell her that she is a magnificent, powerful creature. Teach her about her own light that lives somewhere deep inside behind all the fear and anger. Encourage her to swivel her hips a little as she walks down the street. Tell her to toss her hair once in a while, perhaps while she’s sitting at a café sipping tea, just for the pleasure of feeling it fall and swirl around her neck. Encourage her to take a deep soulful breath full of the aroma of her own scent. Inspire her to come take a class or try an S DVD to unlock her liquid feminine body. Yes, when you encounter this type of woman, talk to her. Your voice, your words may end up being the warmth needed to help thaw her frozen female self. Your words may fire her up with the brilliance that only a truly awakened woman can experience. Your words of wisdom might just be the gift she needs to wake herself up.
This idea of women competing against women is archaic. It is a man-made falsehood that keeps some women hell bent on making other women disappear. We don’t need to hurt each other to be relevant, to be respected, to be attractive. We can get ahead and thrive and succeed within our own being. Each one of us has the ability to create and enjoy our own presence fully, freely, shining brightly, and reveling in our own sensuality.
Dani, if you're reading this, I am proud to stand next to you in the sisterhood and embrace you as one of my own. And I know thousands of S women are too. Your hot, wholesome feminine self is worth its weight in gold. Don't ever change, don't ever dim or dial down your bright light, baby. Let it shine. Make a big deal out of it! Let it shine so brightly that it illuminates the same in every woman in your midst. You represent the future of woman and through you we survive.
Dani, Richard and me
With a Big Fat Luscious Hug,
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